How to Fix a Relationship After a Big Fight,

Conflict happens in all relationships. Even the best couples can have heated arguments which make both of them feel hurt, frustrated or like their partner doesn’t understand. Sometimes the little issues can snowball into huge arguments and you might feel unsure of how to move forward.

Although having a large argument can be stressful, by being patient, being honest and showing understanding towards each other you can work on your relationship. You can gain closure.

1. Give time to cool down.

Trying to sort out any serious arguments straight away can make the situation worse. Both parties will be angry and say things they don’t really mean. By giving yourself and your partner a little time to cool down can help.

Let your partner know you need a moment to calm down. “I really care about us and I want us to have a proper chat. Can we have a little break and then have a chat when we’ve both calmed down?”

You shouldn’t be punishing your partner by giving them a break however. By agreeing to have a chat once you’ve cooled down gives both of you confidence and respect.

2. Understand the reason behind the argument.

Sometimes arguments are not about the topic you think they are. Maybe You were arguing about housework, not replying to messages or forgetting plans. This can be because you’re feeling unappreciated, overlooked or unsupported.

Once you’ve calmed down think about what exactly made you feel upset. Did they say something hurtful? Did you feel like what you had to say didn’t matter? Or maybe you were already stressed about something else.

By knowing the real issue behind the argument you can explain your feelings better and you can focus on actually solving the issue instead of placing blame.

3. Start talking calmly.

By starting the conversation calmly can make a difference. Starting with blame can make the other person defensive. However by staying calm and respectful means there is more understanding between the two of you.

Try to rephrase what you would normally say. For example change “You never listen to me!” into “I felt hurt because I didn’t feel listened to.”

Stating your own feelings can help you explain how you feel without blaming your partner. Try to have a calm conversation when neither of you are in a rush, distracted or in a bad mood.

This isn’t about proving you’re right. It’s about understanding each of your feelings.

4. Listen.

Listening can be very important. When having a difficult conversation, it can be tempting to jump in, correct everything and explain why you did what you did.

Let your partner speak until they’re finished. Ask questions if you’re confused and try to understand how they felt.

You don’t have to agree with what they’re saying but you can empathise. You could say “I can see why you felt unimportant.”

Once both of you feel like you’ve been listened to it’ll be easier to talk about solutions.

5. Sincerely apologise.

Getting a genuine apology can help you both come back together after an argument. However don’t just say “I’m sorry” quickly.

Make sure to explain what you did wrong and how it affected them. For example “I’m sorry that I shouted and cut you off. I realise that wasn’t respecting you and I understand why it upset you.”

Don’t add any excuses to your apology. For example “I’m sorry but you made me angry.” Both of you can take responsibility for your actions without taking blame.

If they apologise make sure that they’re genuinely trying to change. It can take time to forgive them if they said hurtful things or broke your trust.

6. Find a solution.

Once the issue has been understood between you both, have a chat about how you could improve next time. A productive conversation should result in you both making actual changes.

For example if arguments often happen because they’re not replying, you can agree on realistic expectations for communication. If arguments are getting heated because you’re cutting them off you can both practise taking turns.

Be specific with your requests. Don’t expect them to read your mind or promise that you’ll never disagree. Healthy relationships don’t mean there won’t be any arguments. They mean you have respect when dealing with them.

7. Build up trust.

After a big argument things probably won’t be back to normal straight away. One of you may need reassurance and the other may need space.

Slowly start rebuilding your bond through checking in, keeping your promises, showing appreciation and spending quality time.

Don’t push them into pretending to be happy but don’t take every argument as a sign that the relationship is going wrong.

Trust will build when both of you show that you’re willing to learn from your mistakes and be careful with each other.

8. Know when to get support.

Sometimes arguments can be tricky to sort out and you may need some support. If you’re constantly having the same argument and struggling to communicate it can help to get a qualified couple’s counsellor or relationship therapist. They can help you both recognise any unhealthy patterns, communicate better and find practical solutions.

However if there are serious arguments it may not just be a communication issue. If threats, intimidation, physical violence or controlling behaviour has happened within the relationship, put your safety first. Get support from someone you trust or a suitable local service.

Everyone deserves to feel safe and respected in a relationship.

Conclusion

Fixing your relationship after a big argument requires patience, honesty and hard work from both partners. To start with give each other time to cool down, understand the real issue, listen and give genuine apologies.

Most importantly remember that one argument doesn’t define your whole relationship. How you both deal with the situation after is what matters. If you’re both taking responsibility, being respectful of each others feelings and making real changes to your relationship then arguments can be a chance to improve your communication skills and bond.

The aim is to learn how to deal with arguments without losing respect, trust and care for each other.