Dealing with a Partner Who Is Still Close to Their Ex,

A relationship should be full of trust, understanding, honesty and feeling safe around each other. However, when your partner doesn’t stop being close to their ex this can cause issues. You may get worried about them still having regular communication with them, spending time together or knowing too much about them. Even if they try to reassure you that it really is JUST a friendship, the difficulties can cause you to feel unsure about the situation. Learning how to overcome and handle the situation with a mature perspective can help to protect your relationship.

1. Understand Why They’re Friends With Them

Try to understand if your partner has a reason for them being close to their ex. Some people have situations where it is absolutely necessary to stay friends with their ex, for example they have friends in common, there may be professional ties or they have children together - or simply because they had some lovely moments together. Whereas others just may not think that they have to cut someone out of their life entirely – just because it wasn’t a romantic relationship anymore.

Firstly, look at how they’re interacting with their friend. Are they doing so with respect? Is their relationship clear? And are they making it a priority to keep your relationship a priority? This can help to make sure that they aren’t becoming friends in a harmful way.

2. Be Open With Your Feelings

A strong relationship should always be honest. Instead of ignoring how you feel about the situation, speak to your partner about your worries.

Pick a calm situation to talk to them. Let them know your concerns without placing blame. For example: “I understand you have a past, however, at times I feel insecure when you get quite close with your ex. Would you be happy to talk about some boundaries?”

By being respectful they’ll be more inclined to have a constructive conversation. The goal should be to let them know how you are feeling instead of making them feel defensive.

3. Set Boundaries

Boundaries are very important in any relationship. Although it isn’t necessarily detrimental to be friends with an ex, you may experience unnecessary stress.

Work out how you expect them to interact with their friend. For example, see if they are okay with late night conversations, if they want private conversations, if they are okay with talking through intimate issues with their ex and if they want to keep their communication secret.

Make sure there are reasonable boundaries in place and that both of you are happy with them. Do not try to take control of who they interact with. If they’re keeping their relationship healthy then they’ll be able to have their own independence whilst knowing you feel safe within your relationship.

4. Build Up Trust

Trust can’t be built by simply saying you’ll do something. However, if both of you are being honest and respectful then this will build over time.

If they tell you that they have nothing romantic with their ex then they should act accordingly. They should be happy to keep communication open, not have unnecessary secrets and should consider how their actions are affecting your relationship. However, you should give them the opportunity to prove they are trustworthy. If you constantly check their phone, ask for passwords or interrogate them it will ruin your relationship.

Trust will always require effort from both people. Do not expect to constantly prove your loyalty and do not act like their concerns are unfounded.

5. Do Not Compare Yourself

A common mistake would be comparing yourself. You may begin to compare how attractive, successful, interesting or compatible they are with their ex.

This can cause you to lose confidence and begin to feel like you’re in an unhealthy competition. They chose to build a relationship with you so you should value what you have.

You shouldn’t feel like you need to compete with their past. Try to build up your relationship by doing things together, providing emotional support, being honest and doing meaningful things.

Your worth does not depend on how their last relationship ended or how much communication they have with their ex.

6. Spend Quality Time Together

Insecure feelings can grow when couples aren’t emotionally connected. If the communication with their ex is taking up a large amount of their time, you may start to feel like your relationship isn’t getting enough attention. Try your best to spend quality time doing things you both enjoy, having conversations without distractions, trying new things and showing appreciation. This will help to strengthen the emotional bond between you two. Just remember that a healthy relationship is a partnership. Try your best to communicate with each other.

7. Watch Out For Red Flags

Whilst it is healthy for someone to have friends with their ex, there may be some red flags. If they are constantly hiding messages, lying when talking about meeting up, flirting, comparing you unfavourably or putting their ex’s emotions above your relationship this could be an indicator of bigger issues. If they also aren’t acknowledging any conversation about your feelings then this can be an issue.

If they are constantly being dishonest with you, do not ignore it. Try to address the behavioural issues you’re facing and consider whether you’re being respected for your feelings.

Be aware of the difference between red flags and just friends. Whilst you should not accuse them of anything without proof, if there are consistent issues causing you to lose trust then you should take note.

8. Decide What You Can/Can’t Tolerate

Everyone will have different expectations for relationships. Whilst some are happy with their partner still being friends with their ex, others may want them to be more distant. Neither is inherently wrong but you should ensure both parties can reach a compromise that respects their values and feelings.

Take some time to think about what is making you uncomfortable and why. Are you worried about them being dishonest or not giving you enough attention? Or is it simply that they’re friends with someone they used to love?

Understanding how you feel will help you to be more clear when communicating and make thoughtful decisions about the future.

Conclusion

Whilst it can be tricky dealing with a partner who is still close to their ex, it does not mean your relationship is at risk. A healthy way of dealing with the situation is by being honest, respectful, setting reasonable boundaries and building trust.

You shouldn’t feel like you need to compete with their past or constantly worry about your position in their life. Likewise, they should be able to have healthy friendships without feeling overly controlled.

A healthy relationship is when they feel valued, safe and understood. By being honest with your concerns you can work together to set clear expectations which will develop a stronger emotional bond between you. Ultimately it doesn’t matter who was in their life before, how you both choose to respect each other, put each other first and support each other is what matters most.