Dealing with a Partner Who Never Apologizes,

When choosing to enter a relationship the first thing you will understand is that humans will not always get everything right. We often say the incorrect things, lie and sometime we even cause harm to the people we love. Within a healthy relationship it all comes down to personal resilience.

However, within a relationship where your partner will never say sorry it can result in you becoming emotionally drained. If your partner constantly refuses to apologise or doesn’t understand their mistake, makes excuses, shifts blame or is oblivious then you will start feeling like your feelings and thoughts don’t really matter. This can cause you to become neglected and emotionally drained.

However the following tips can help you try to understand why they are not apologising and therefore help you to safeguard your emotional wellbeing.

1. Understand why they aren’t apologising.

Many people struggling to say sorry. They may have had a poor childhood where admitting mistakes is seen as a weakness. Others may lack self awareness or have low self esteem and have issues with them being proud. Negative emotions could also be playing a factor.

They may also feel that by apologising they are losing an argument and aren’t fully incorrect. They may also just not have the emotional awareness required to know that their actions have caused negative feelings.

Understanding this will help you to stay calm. However nobody should be continually disrespected. Even if they have had a tough life or fear conflict it doesn’t give them the right to cause you harm and not take responsibility.

2. Explain how their actions make you feel.

Sometimes people get so caught up in defending themselves they forget how their actions are impacting you.

Try explaining how they making you feel due to not apologising. Pick a time when you’re both calm.

“I feel like my feelings don’t matter because you never apologise. I understand you’re not perfect but we need to take responsibility for when we hurt each other”

Try to be clear and not use any swearing or sweeping statements. You’re trying to explain how you’re feeling not start an argument.

3. Look at their actions.

If they are making a real effort to change then their apology should mean something. If they’re making sorry just to stop an argument and continue with the same behaviour then it won’t help.

A genuine apology usually involves;

Realisation – they realise what they’ve done wrong.

Taking responsibility – not shifting blame or making excuses.

Effort – making an effort not to do the same thing again.

If they’re not apologising but are making consistent changes and showing that they truly understand then this may be a positive. However if they’re still causing you harm and not acknowledging your feelings then it’s not helping.

4. Don’t take responsibility for everything.

If one party isn’t taking responsibility for their mistakes the other may begin to take responsibility.

This can cause you to begin apologising even though you haven’t done anything wrong. You may also begin to question your feelings and if your too sensitive.

This can cause an unhealthy relationship. You shouldn’t have to take on all the blame to keep the relationship going. We can take responsibility for our own mistakes.

Both parties need to reflect on their actions and make an effort to improve within a healthy relationship.

5. Be firm with boundaries.

Having clear boundaries can help when your partner constantly doesn’t understand your feelings.

Explain how you’re happy to discuss any arguments but not if there’s swearing, blame shifting or disrespect.

“I would like to sort this out but I’m not able to talk about it when my feelings are being ignored. Let’s talk about it when we’re both ready to listen.”

Boundaries aren’t punishments and aren’t there to control them. It’s about saying what you are willing to accept. Be consistent with them.

6. Understand when it’s causing emotional harm.

Occasional issues with apologising is one thing. However you should be aware if they’re constantly;

Shifting blame,

Denying obvious truths,

Making you feel guilty for having feelings,

Ignoring you,

Turning every argument into personal attacks,

And causing harm without really feeling sorry.

This can cause issues with trust and a lack of emotional security. In some relationships constant denial, blame shifting and manipulation can be a sign of emotional abuse.

If you’re feeling scared, controlled or pressurised to question your own feelings try speaking to someone you trust or a qualified mental health professional.

7. Decide if things are improving.

You can’t make a relationship healthier if only one is making the effort. While you can be clear, patient and take responsibility for your mistakes you can’t make them emotionally mature.

Look to see if things are improving consistently. Are they becoming more open to listening? Are they acknowledging your feelings? Are arguments becoming more respectful?

If nothing is changing then maybe you need to reassess if this relationship is providing you with the emotional support you need.

Couples counselling can also help if they’re both willing to be honest and make an effort to improve communication.

Final Thoughts

Dealing with somebody who never apologises can make anything feel like a huge argument. You may begin to feel like you’re not good enough and your feelings don’t matter.

Remember you don’t need perfect people to have a healthy relationship. Both parties need to take responsibility for their mistakes and listen to each other.

You deserve a partner who can argue with you without dismissing your emotions. You also deserve somebody who knows that apologising isn’t a weakness it’s a sign of respect, taking responsibility and being emotionally mature.

While you can’t control if they apologise you can control what you’re willing to put up with. Don’t let your desire for keeping a relationship mean you begin to lose respect for yourself.