Signs You’re Settling in Your Relationship,

Every relationship should leave us feeling happy, supported, trusted and valued. Not all relationships are the same however and sometimes we find ourselves continuing to be with someone despite not achieving the emotional needs we want from our relationship. We may believe we can ‘work on it’, have unrealistic expectations or may simply feel it is better to be in a relationship than alone.

This is often known as settling. It involves accepting we are not receiving the love, respect, attention and compatibility we want from our relationship due to fears of losing our partner or starting again. Being able to notice the signs can help us recognise if we really are gaining what we want from our relationship or if we are settling.

1. Your partner’s bad behaviour is always excused.

When settling in a relationship we often find ourselves making excuses for our partners bad behaviour. This may include them constantly cancelling plans, not listening to our feelings, avoiding important conversations and not sticking to their promises.

We may make excuses such as ‘they’re busy’, ‘they’re stressed’ or ‘they just aren’t good with showing their feelings’.

Although it is important to understand your partners situation it is easy to notice your own needs if you’re constantly making excuses for their behaviour.

In a healthy relationship both people can take ownership of their actions and try to improve.

2. You always feel lonely.

Sometimes we can feel like we are not connecting with our partner even though we are seeing them everyday. We may feel like we are not understood and may struggle to connect emotionally.

This may be because you’re not having meaningful conversations, are rarely discussing your feelings or your partner just isn’t very interested in your life.

This can make you feel like you’re going it alone.

You should feel like you can have meaningful conversations, understand each other and feel connected.

3. You’re scared to be open with your feelings.

A healthy relationship should make you feel like you can be open with your feelings and concerns.

However if you’re constantly hiding your feelings due to fears of an argument, rejection or criticism then something may be wrong.

You may not feel like you can talk about important topics with your partner due to not wanting to upset them. Or you may pretend everything is okay when you’re actually struggling.

Although it is important to compromise from time to time constantly suppressing your feelings can cause you to lose confidence and not feel as emotionally well.

You should be able to express your feelings.

4. You’re becoming more realistic with your expectations.

Everyone will have different expectations from their relationship. Some people may want to be in constant communication whilst others may want to feel loved, reliable and spend quality time together.

If you’re constantly lowering your expectations due to your partner not making an effort to meet your reasonable needs then you may be settling.

You may no longer expect meaningful gestures, conversations or consistent attention due to being used to disappointment.

It is important to remember that although you may have basic expectations this doesn’t make you demanding. Having respect, honesty, communication and consideration are important in a healthy partnership.

5. You’re scared of being alone.

A lot of people stay in an unfulfilling relationship due to their fear of being alone.

You may be worried about starting again, meeting new people or watching your friends move on with their lives. Sometimes people stay in relationships due to investing a lot of their life into them.

However spending time alone can be a great opportunity to understand what is important to you, boost your confidence and realise what really makes you happy.

You should choose to be with someone due to love and compatibility, not out of fear of being alone.

6. You feel like you’re putting in all the effort.

Relationships require both people to put in effort. You should never feel like it is always your job to start conversations, plan dates, sort out any disagreements and keep the emotional connection.

If you’re constantly sacrificing and your partner rarely puts in the same effort then you may feel drained and unappreciated.

Whilst it is important that both people are putting in effort it does not mean they should be doing the exact same thing everyday. Everyone’s situation can change and sometimes one person may need extra support.

However over time both people should be willing to put in effort to keep and improve the relationship.

7. You compare your relationship.

Sometimes it is natural to compare relationships. Especially when looking at social media and seeing everyone celebrating their love lives, receiving thoughtful gestures and appearing to have the perfect relationship.

However if you’re constantly wishing you had a loving, communicative and respectful relationship like others then it may be worth considering why you’re not getting what you want.

Social media rarely shows the full picture of someone’s relationship. Every couple will face challenges that may not be shown online.

Try to focus on whether you are receiving what you need emotionally.

8. You’re struggling to imagine a future together.

If you’re not feeling fulfilled in your relationship it may become hard to imagine a future with them.

You may feel unsure if you’re compatible long term, avoid talking about important plans and struggle to imagine being happy with the same relationship in a few years.

This does not mean there is something wrong with your relationship, sometimes we can feel unsure during stressful times or big life changes.

However if you’re constantly feeling uneasy about your future together then it may be due to some unresolved worries. Try having an honest conversation.

9. You’ve lost your identity.

Another sign you may be settling is if you’re making gradual changes to yourself to please your partner.

You may no longer enjoy your hobbies, spend less time with friends, give up on your goals and avoid having opinions that differ to your partners.

A healthy relationship should encourage us to grow as individuals.

You should be able to enjoy your hobbies, spend time with your friends, work towards your ambitions and keep your individuality.

What can you do?

Firstly you need to be honest with yourself about what you want from a relationship. Think about what behaviours make you feel valued and what issues are causing you to feel disappointed.

Have an honest conversation with your partner about your concerns. Let them know how you are feeling in certain situations and what changes could help your relationship.

Focus on actions rather than words. If your partner really wants to improve your relationship they will be happy to listen, take ownership and consistently put in effort.

If your issues aren’t being resolved in a meaningful way then you may need to consider if your relationship is compatible with your long term happiness. Talking to a qualified relationship counsellor may help you understand your options.

Conclusion

Sometimes settling in a relationship can happen gradually. You may be compromising, ignoring your feelings, having unrealistic expectations and fearing being alone.

However noticing the signs can help you to consider what you really want and deserve from your relationship. A healthy relationship doesn’t need to be perfect but should involve mutual respect, emotional support, trust and effort. Choosing yourself does not mean you don’t want love but simply that you understand your happiness and emotional wellbeing is also important. You deserve to be in a relationship where you feel valued, respected and comfortable being yourself.