What to Do When You and Your Partner Want Different Things,

Everyone has their own personality, background, aspirations and expectations. Even if you and your partner are extremely in love, you may still have differing opinions. One may want to move countries whilst the other may prefer to stay with their family. Or one may want to have children immediately whilst the other may want to take their time. There can also be small arguments over money, jobs, lifestyle and free time.

It doesn’t necessarily mean your relationship is failing! This is perfectly normal within relationships. As long as you both have patience, understanding and honest communication you can work out ways to please both parties.

1. Start With an Honest Conversation

As soon as you realise that you and your partner have different expectations, have an open and honest conversation.

Make sure you choose a time where neither of you will be stressed, distracted or upset. Let them know how you feel and why you feel that way. Give them the chance to explain their views.

If one of you wants to focus on your career and the other wants to start a family, try to understand what the decision means to you both. Try to understand why they feel a certain way and what emotions they are feeling.

2. Understand Why You Can’t Agree

Sometimes you may think you can’t agree on something but actually your underlying needs are similar.

One of you may want to save money as it makes you feel secure. Whilst the other may want to spend it on travelling as it makes you happy to create memories. Whilst it seems like you’re going in opposite directions, you’re both just trying to create a fulfilling and secure future.

Ask yourself:

Why is this important to me?

What am I most concerned about?

Is there anything from my past that is affecting my view?

What would make me feel more comfortable with making a different decision?

This will help you to understand why your partner feels the way that they do. This helps you view the situation from a new point of view. It will also help reduce any unnecessary arguments and will bring you closer emotionally.

3. Know The Difference Between Compromise And Sacrifice

It is important to compromise within any healthy relationship. However, this doesn’t mean giving up your happiness constantly.

A healthy compromise will make you both feel respected. For example, if one of you enjoys going outside on the weekends and the other enjoys relaxing at home, you can agree to do one activity outside and one relaxing day.

If you’re constantly sacrificing your goals, values or emotions it can cause frustration.

Both of you should be willing to make reasonable compromises. If only one of you is expected to change then the relationship will become unbalanced.

Love should be collaborative!

4. Find Common Values

Even if you disagree on goals you may have some common values. These can help you come up with solutions.

Maybe you both value financial security, peace, personal development and a supportive family. This can help you create a plan that will please both of you.

If one of you wants to move for work opportunities and the other wants to stay with their family, you could look into different places that offer good work opportunities but still allow them to have reasonable access to their loved ones.

You may not find the perfect solution straight away but knowing that you share some values will make it easier.

5. Give Each Other Time and Space

Not every argument needs to be solved immediately. Some decisions are important so shouldn’t be discussed when you’re emotional.

Give your partner time to think. You may also need some personal time to understand how you feel.

Taking a short break from an argument will prevent unnecessary arguments. However, you shouldn’t try to avoid the issue.

Agree to have the conversation when you’re both feeling calmer. This will help you make decisions thoughtfully.

It is important to be patient when discussing big life decisions as sometimes people need to rethink their expectations.

6. Respect Each Other's Individual Dreams

You don’t need to have the same ambitions in a relationship. Both of you should have the opportunity to grow your interests and do something meaningful. Also keep friends and your individuality.

Encourage your partner to chase their dreams even if they aren’t the same as yours. But also let them know what your ambitions are.

Within a supportive relationship you will have the opportunity to grow as individuals.

However, some differences may relate to big life decisions such as having children, getting married, practising a religion and where you live. These should be discussed seriously and honestly as they can have a big impact on both of your futures.

7. Seek Professional Help

Sometimes conversations can lead to constant arguments. If you and your partner aren’t able to communicate well and understand each other’s view points then relationship counselling can help.

Seeing a qualified couple’s counsellor will give you both a neutral place to voice your concerns. It can also help you identify unhealthy communication and come up with practical solutions.

This doesn’t mean that your relationship has failed but may mean that you both want to understand each other better and make thoughtful decisions for your future.

8. Understand There May Not Be A Perfect Solution

One of the hardest things to learn within relationships is that love can’t fix everything.

Sometimes people have different long term goals. This doesn’t mean that either of you are wrong but your expectations may not match.

Be honest with each other about what you can and can’t compromise on. Don’t promise something you don’t really believe in just to avoid an argument in the moment.

A healthy relationship will make you both feel respected, emotionally safe and willing to work towards a future that you can both accept.

If your core goals don’t match then you may need to consider if the relationship is right for both of you.

Final Thoughts

Remember that not agreeing with your partner doesn’t have to be a fight. It can help you understand each other better.

Focus on honest communication, respecting each other, patience and reasonable compromises. Listen to your partner but also make sure you’re not neglecting your needs. Encourage each other to grow as individuals.

Within a healthy relationship you don’t want both people to think, dream and act the same. You want a partnership where both feel heard, valued and supported.

Long lasting relationships don’t rely on people wanting the same things. They rely on how you deal with differences, make decisions and choose to treat eachother.